summer 09

how do i describe my summer 2009 in one word? i cant. however, from an outsider's perspective, considering the things i do while i stay in my hometown just taking summer classes, i guess you could describe my summer as "boring". but for me, i describe it as: a lesson, a revelation, an inspiration, contentment, or personal development.

these past few days, possibly starting from last week; i have learned so much about myself and how i have been living my life. it was not how I wanted to live. and it is not how i will live. i have not desired "to change" as much as i am desiring now.

for quite some time i have been wanting to change. to change who i am. to change how i act. to change what i have come not to like. i would pray for change. i would long for change. but whats different this time than all the other times is that.... i am actually trying and putting in effort to change. to talk the talk. and to walk the walk. and yes, if i somehow forget that i am trying (!!) or if i start losing hope, i pray to God that very night before i go to sleep that when i wake up the next day, i will try again and not give up. i want to change. to grow. to mature. to become someone better that what i am right now. and i will.

in the beginning though, i only wanted to change for other people. because of what other people said about me. because of how i wanted people to see me, etcetc..

but when you aren't doing anything at home but school stuff, (man i sound like a nerd... -_-) you tend to think alot. and you tend to REALIZE alot as well.

i dont want to change for you. for him. for her. for them. or for anybody else in this world. i want to change for myself. it took a long way to figure that one out... maybe because i was stubborn. maybe because i was just being dumb. but now i know. and now you know too.